


Soldier

by ssa_jennifer_prentiss



Series: jemily songfics [2]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: 4x17, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-16 02:35:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29943204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssa_jennifer_prentiss/pseuds/ssa_jennifer_prentiss
Summary: based on the song "Soldier" by gavin degrawpartially set during 4x17 "demonology"She picked up her phone and clicked on the message from JJ. ‘I’m okay. Sleep well. I love you.’ was all she could manage.tw: death, depression, brief mention of roslyn’s death
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Series: jemily songfics [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2202132
Kudos: 1





	Soldier

\-----  
Where did all the people go?  
They got scared when the lights went low.  
I'll get you through it nice and slow,  
When the world's spinning out of control.

Afraid of what they might lose  
Might get scraped or they might get bruised.  
You could beg them, what's the use?  
That's why it's called a moment of truth.  
\-----

Emily Prentiss is many things. She’s brilliant. She’s strong. She’s caring. She’s a steller agent. She’s a great friend and an even better girlfriend. However, Emily Prentiss is not emotional. At least not in front of others. Emily is cool, calm, and collected. She’s steady. She can always be counted on to be the team’s rock.

From a young age Emily knew how to control her emotions. She knew how to put up those walls nobody could climb over or break. Her mother was never one to pay much attention to her, so hiding from her wasn’t much trouble. However, the ambassador would scold her for any emotion she saw that she deemed unnecessary or unladylike. She found it was easier to keep it all bottled up, locked away deep inside her. 

This became a fairly easy task over her many years of practice. Even when she began working with the best group of profilers in the country, nobody could see through her. That was until she began to get close with JJ.

JJ had an energy about her that made you want to be her friend. She was unbelievably kind, even to those who probably didn’t deserve it. Emily was drawn to her immediately. From that first short interaction in Hotch’s office, she knew she would want to keep JJ around. Though Emily was still a Prentiss afterall, stubborn as they come. She wouldn’t allow the blonde’s light to invade her guarded heart so quickly. 

Keeping JJ out turned out to be a much more difficult task than Emily originally thought. Even though she was sure her walls were still standing strong, the younger agent still seemed to be able to climb just high enough to peek inside. 

JJ was very curious about the new dark haired agent. Emily would spend countless jet rides and lunch breaks answering question after question that JJ threw at her. She fielded each with ease, not letting too much information slip. She had plenty of skeletons in her closet, none of which she planned on sharing with anyone.

However hard she tried, the days went by and she found herself letting JJ in more and more. Being the only women on the team that traveled, they spent many nights on the road bunked together. Many of those nights brought long conversations between the two. Some were deep life talks, some were filled with more trivial topics. On occasion they would delve into their pasts, sharing secrets they wouldn’t dare tell another soul. 

\-----  
I'll get it if you need it.  
I'll search if you don't see it.  
You're thirsty, I'll be rain.  
You get hurt, I'll take your pain.  
\-----

Emily felt a strong connection to JJ and each minute spent with her only made it stronger. She found her guard would slip around JJ and honestly, she was becoming more okay with that. It felt nice to share some things with someone, even if they weren’t her darkest secrets. She had spent so much time hiding that as much as it scared her to open up, she was glad she did. It always felt safe to share with JJ.

Their relationship continued to grow with each passing week. One case would prove just how strong their connection had grown. Down in Georgia the team faced an unsub by the name of Tobias Hankel. He had kidnapped Spencer while him and JJ were at his place following a lead. JJ relied heavily on Emily from when they found her, scared and alone in the barn, until weeks later when she was finally able to be alone without the visions and nightmares.

That case took their relationship to another level. It didn’t take long for romantic feelings to begin to show themselves. The rest of the team, especially Penelope, seemed to pick up on the two’s feelings for each other before they did. For months they would dance around each other until one night, after a few too many glasses of wine, Emily told JJ.

It was another night filled with deep life talks and secret swaps. Emily hadn’t planned on telling JJ, but between the wine and the way the blonde looked under the moonlight, she couldn’t hold it in any longer. JJ didn’t run or yell or kick Emily out, but instead settled for a long kiss and a whispered “I love you too.”

Their new relationship allowed JJ to learn even more about Emily. Not just her past and her secrets, but her as a person. She learned about Emily on a deeper level than she ever would’ve thought. She knew all about what made her girlfriend geek out, the secret hobbies, and what made her angry, happy, or nervous. 

\-----  
I know you don't believe it,  
But I said it and I still mean it.  
When you heard what I told you.  
When you get worried I'll be your soldier.  
\-----

There was one emotion Emily didn’t share with JJ quite as much as the others. Emily had battled depression for as long as she could remember. She had learned ways to cope over the years, but there were still days where it seemed to consume her. She never told JJ much about her struggle. She hadn’t shared many too many dark or sad stories from her past either. 

When it came to her emotions it was always easier to put up her guard. She had let JJ in, and she didn’t regret it, but she still hadn’t let her in on everything. She let her girlfriend see her so angry her face turned red. She let her see her in the moments she was so happy she felt as if she was flying. But her sadness? She didn’t show JJ that if she could help it. 

It wasn’t that she didn’t trust JJ because she did, more than anyone. She wasn’t even entirely sure of why she pushed JJ away in these moments. Something about barely being able to leave her bed, struggling to do the basic tasks of survival made it seem like dealing with it on her own was the best option.

Her distance never stopped JJ from trying. She didn’t want Emily to have to deal with her darkness alone. She wanted to be there through it all, make sure Emily knew that she would always be by her side. There was a conflict of emotions between wanting to give her girlfriend the space she wanted but also giving into her instinct to comfort and protect the people she loves.

\-----  
Funny when times get hard,  
At the last moment when you're supposed to charge,  
Always on the longest yard,  
Oh, they feel their feet getting cold.  
\-----

A few years into Emily’s time at the BAU, and just short of a year into her relationship with JJ, an old friend pays a visit to tell her news that would leave her lost. 

Growing up Emily spent a lot of time abroad, traveling often as her mother needed to move from place to place for work. She wasn’t one to build connections each place she lived as to avoid the heartbreak of lost relationships every few months. However, her time in Rome was different from the rest.

Emily was 15 when she lived in Rome. She was a rebellious teenager who would do anything she could to piss off her mother. Unlike most cities, Emily made a couple friends in Rome. John Cooley and Matthew Benton grew closer to her than she would have planned. Though they hadn’t spoken much since their teenage years, the two, especially Matthew, still held a place in Emily’s heart.

It caught her off guard when one rainy DC night, John insisted on meeting her. He claimed to have some urgent information he needed to share with her. Despite the uneasy feeling in her chest, she agreed to meet.

“It’s about Matthew.”

The words caused her heart to sink to her stomach. Before John even told her what happened, she knew it wasn’t good. 

“Benton?”

“He’s dead, Emily.”

Her breathing hitched and tears sprang to her eyes. Dead? How could he be dead? Her mind began to spin. Memories upon memories were brought to the surface. One of the only true friends she ever had, gone. She never even got to say goodbye. She barely heard what John was saying over what was happening between her ears. She attempted to stay present in the conversation, but it was difficult.

\-----  
Hiding here, hiding there.  
Find them underneath the stairs.  
People hiding everywhere  
Trying to be still like a stone.  
\-----

Without a second thought, she left the bar and made her way to the BAU. She needed to know Matthew’s death would be looked into, even if it turned out to be nothing. She wasn’t fully aware of herself as she took the familiar elevator trip up to the correct floor. She had a brief interaction with Garcia, checking to see if she had found any information on Tommy V, the other man mentioned to her by John, before moving down the hall towards Hotch’s office.

Concern was evident on Hotch’s face as he watched a solemn, rain soaked Emily enter his office well after hours. She explained to Hotch what was going on as best she could despite the mental fog she was experiencing. He had given her permission to look further into Matthew’s death as well as the opportunity to take a few days off if she needed them.

Leaving the office, she trudged slowly to her vehicle. Opening the door and sliding into her seat she turned her phone over to see several frantic texts and a few missed calls from her girlfriend. She laid it back on the console and told herself she’d send her a message when she arrived home.

Her drive was a blur. Her brain was in such a fog it made breathing feel difficult. Pulling into her spot in front of her apartment, she turned off her car and grabbed her phone. She felt like she couldn’t get to her apartment fast enough. She opened the door and immediately shut and locked it behind her.

Slowly, she made her way through to her living room. She scooped up Sergio before heading to her bedroom. She stripped down to her underwear. Not having the energy to put pajamas on, she wrapped herself in her comforter. She picked up her phone and clicked on the message from JJ. ‘I’m okay. Sleep well. I love you.’ was all she could manage. Plugging it into the charger, she laid her phone on the nightstand. Sergio snuggled up against her and she fell asleep.

\-----  
But I'll get it if you need it.  
I'll search if you can't see it.  
You're thirsty, I'll be rain.  
You get hurt, I'll take your pain.  
\-----

To say JJ was worried would be an understatement. She hadn’t spoken to Emily in hours and then the text she received was off. She sent a quick message back before deciding to try to sleep herself. Her mind raced with the possibilities of what could be going on. She would’ve continued to probe, but was sure Emily was fast asleep at that point. She hoped the morning would bring some answers.

Her alarm blared, awakening her from her slumber. She rushed to get ready as she wanted nothing more than to see her girlfriend. She needed to know what was going on. Much to her dismay, there was no sign of Emily at the office. Arriving in the conference room, Hotch informed the team on what was happening. 

JJ immediately wanted to call Emily. She wanted to be there and do anything she could to help her through this. However, JJ had a job to do. They both did. So, she went with Hotch to talk to Matthew’s family. 

Their conversation with Matthew’s parents only added to the confusion that not only JJ but the rest of the team was feeling around this case. Why was Emily so convinced there was more to the story when not even his parents were?

As much as she tried not to worry, she couldn’t help it. Emily occupied her mind. Their brief interactions at the office only added to her worry. Emily wouldn’t stop going, wouldn’t stop searching for answers.

\-----  
I know you don't believe it,  
But I said it and I still mean it.  
When you heard what I told you,  
When you get worried I'll be your soldier.  
\-----

Emily continued to distance herself throughout the entire case. Each day, JJ would text Emily or talk to her briefly just to remind her she was there and that she loved her. JJ’s worry for her girlfriend only increased the more days the case drug on. 

Another suspicious death turned up, allowing Garcia to find more connections between the men. Though the causes of death did not seem to be connected, the team was able to piece together what was occurring and who was responsible. The arrest however would not be smooth and Emily would nearly lose another friend in the process.

Eventually the team was able to make an arrest. It had been a long, stressful case for many reasons but nobody had it harder than Emily. Following the arrest of Father Silvano, the team stood outside of John Cooley’s home. The team barely made it in time to save his life, but they did and for that Emily was grateful. It was flurrying and a light layer of snow covered the ground. Emily denied Rossi’s request to take her home. She opted for a walk in hopes of clearing her mind.

After walking for a while, she stopped and pulled a photo out of her pocket. It was a picture from Rome of her, Matthew, and John. Suddenly a red drop fell onto the paper. Reaching up she realized her nose had begun to bleed. Just as suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned to her right to see her girlfriend, red nosed and shivering.

“Hey,” JJ whispered. “Can I take you home? It’s freezing and now you’re bleeding.”

“Can I come home with you?”

“Of course, babe. Come on,” she reached out to slide her freezing hand into Emily’s equally cold one before leading them to her vehicle. She helped Emily into the passenger seat, offering a spare blanket she kept in her car and a tissue to wipe the blood from her nose. JJ made her way around to her seat. She turned the radio on low as she started the car and headed towards her place.

\-----  
My aim is so true.  
I wanna show you.  
I'll try forever.  
I'm never gonna say "Surrender".  
\-----

When they made it back to JJ’s apartment, she offered the older agent some comfy clothes and made them each a mug of hot chocolate. The two settled on the couch. Emily threw her legs over JJ’s, craving the comfort and the warmth being next to her girlfriend brought. They sat in silence for a while, sipping their cocoa and each other’s presence. 

“Baby,” JJ started, breaking the silence, and Emily’s eyes snapped up to meet hers. “We’re okay, right?”

“Yea, Jen. Of course. Why?” Her eyebrows were knit together, a look of concern on her face.

“I don’t know. We haven’t talked much the past few days and I wasn’t sure if it was just the case or if there was something more going on. I just wanted to check and make sure I didn’t do something to hurt you. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to overreact.”

“Don’t be sorry. It’s okay and I’m okay and we’re okay. Sometimes when something happens or I’m just feeling it a day, I just need some time. It’s not you, I promise. It helps me recoup. I can think and process what I need to process.”

“Okay.” JJ reached to take Emily’s hands in hers before continuing, “that makes a lot of sense. Thank you for telling me. But Em… um… would it be something that you can tell me you need? Like before I freak or before I overwhelm you with messages? I want you to be comfortable and do what you need in order to feel better, but I also need to be sure that you’re safe.”

“I will certainly try to let you know, babe. There may be times where something comes on too fast that I can’t tell you before. I hope you can understand that.”

“Of course, Em.” JJ sat her mug on the coffee table before moving to rest her head against Emily’s shoulder. They sat in silence for a few minutes before JJ spoke again.

“You know that I’m always here for you right? You can talk to me about anything. I just want to be sure that I am doing what I can so that you know you have me and I support you.”

“I do know, Jen. You help me all the time. I know I can count on you. You know you have me too, right?” 

“Yea, I know babe. I’m sorry I worry so much, I just can’t help it.”

“It’s okay. You worry because you care. Your heart is one of the things I love most about you. You care so deeply, and you always show me that I am one of those you care about.” Emily glanced down at their joined hands. JJ’s hands trembled as she sat tangling and untangling her fingers with Emily’s.

“JJ,” she paused, waiting for the blonde to meet her eye, “there’s something else isn’t there? There’s more to your worry. What is it baby?”

JJ turned her head, not wanting Emily to see the tears building. She felt the brunette tuck a piece of hair behind her ear and place a soft kiss to her temple. A whispered ‘it’s okay’ was felt more than heard. JJ took a deep breath and glanced back at her girlfriend.

“I know what can happen when someone feels alone,” her voice was barely above a whisper and a few tears slipped out as she spoke. “I never want you to feel alone, like you have no one. Because you’re not alone, not ever.”

“Jayje…”

“Things happen in a matter of minutes, Em. Everything can seem fine when it isn’t. None of us saw it with Ros. She was in her room one minute and in that tub the next. I know that you struggle, and I know you haven’t felt ready to share it all with me, and that’s okay, but I worry that you’re in a worse place, maybe that place. What if you start to feel like that? Like you can’t do this, Emily?

I need you to know that you have me. That somebody will always love you. That I will always love you. You don’t have to fight on your own babe. I’m here to help you, but I can only do that if you let me.”

“JJ, I need you to listen to me okay?” she waited for JJ’s nod before continuing, “I completely understand why you worry. You have every right to worry. However, I am not going anywhere, not anytime soon.” She reached to wipe a few stray tears from JJ’s cheek. “I know I don’t always talk about what’s going on, but I promise you that I know I have you. I know that you love me and I can talk to you if I need to.”

JJ didn’t respond, instead she wrapped her arms tightly around Emily’s waist and pulled her close. The older woman reciprocated the intensity of the hug, relaxing under the touch of her girlfriend. After a few minutes, JJ pulled back and raised both of her hands to cup Emily’s face.

“I love you so much,” JJ said as she kissed her girlfriend.

“I love you too,” Emily mumbled as she pulled away. JJ tucked herself back into the brunette’s side. They stayed like that until the exhaustion of the week hit and they fell asleep, surrounded by nothing but love, understanding, and support.

\-----  
I'll get it if you need it.  
I'll search if you can't see it.  
You're thirsty, I'll be rain.  
You get hurt, I'll take your pain.

I know you don't believe it,  
But I said it and I still mean it.  
When you heard what I told you,  
When you get worried I'll be your soldier.

I'll be your soldier.  
Well, I'll be—oh, I'll be your soldier  
I'll be your soldier.  
\-----

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! let me know your thoughts!


End file.
